Red Carpet Theme

I think the prepartions for my birthday party are finally on their way. We got the marquee, carpet and my dress coming. Quotes for the tables and chairs, backdrop and ropes. Ideas on photography. I am so psyched. I feel like I sort of stuck at this moment in my life so it feels good to have something to get psyched about. That and Uni of course.

I believe the night is going to be awesome. And I thank, thank, thank so much for my wonderful boyfriend who is organising everything. It will be so good to be surrounded with family and friends and to dance and drink and have a good ol' party. I hope beyond hope that Kerri is able to come down, but if she can't I know she'll be there in spirit having a cocktail with me, and still trying to get Dawn drunk.

Nick and I are planning to have my parents and his meet before my party, just because mostly everyone will probably get drunk and not give their best impressions. But other than that I hope to get boogie on for the night. And cannot wait until we get everything for the night and know that no matter who or who doesnt show, I am going to have the best birthday party ever.

Thank, thank, thank-you, Nick. Love you so very much.

My dress for the night. Cannot wait!!

Chalk and Maturity

I went to an interview today that turned out to be a really good interview. I don't know whether that means I got the job or not, but I was pleasantly satisfied with it. I almost didn't make it, considering I only just read the email two hours after my initial interview time. But I saved it by calling to reschedule. Not so much a different day to others, but more I-felt-better day, I guess.

I've realised that I cannot wait to start Uni in March. I have an information day next week. And I am super thrilled about the prospect of getting books and possibly a desk for studying. I miss studying and having assignments and deadlines. It's amazing to have a routine again and to be passionate about something again. It is also awesome to get out of the house too.

I miss the drive of going to Tafe or Uni etc. Meeting new people and the school-like atmosphere. There's such knowledge that surrounds you when you walk onto a campus. So many brains all cuddled up in towering buildings and sitting in non air-conditioned classrooms. I love listening to people's opinions on subjects and the interaction. Man, am I super excited.

The thought of studying brings me back to high school. The smell of chalk, the sticky gum under tables. The bell. The lockers. The familiar faces of classmates and friends. The only thing I don't miss is the uniform, it's too conservative. And not having a uniform at uni is displaying that sense of independence and maturity.

I don't think anything can compare to knowledge and being learned. I do not care whether people think I study too much. You can never study too much, you can never know enough. I love learning, I love knowing. I love knowing there is always something I can learn.
And that will never change...

Cuddling the Huntsman

There's too much to say and then not enough. You wanna write, you don't wanna write. You wanna sing until someone tells you off, which is usually in the beginning. You wanna dance but with no-one. You wanna dance alone and not look stupid. But can you? Can you be that person that doesn't care? Do I wanna be that person?

Can you really understand how to be confident? Is it something you just learn? I wanna learn how to not back down, how to say how I really feel. I think a really confident person doesn't care about other people. I mean that's the only way you can do what you want to do. Say things that aren't said. Do things that aren't done. Society has made us scared. Scared of hurting someone's feelings, of singing in public, of getting into a fight. I back down, I know that. I am a people pleaser, I also know that. I don't know how not to be. I also know the cause.

The cause is always the blame for our failure. We don't blame ourselves, we blame the cause. But in the end, the reasons why we cannot overcome our fears is that we don't really want to. I'm not saying that we go right up to that fat, hairy huntsman, pick it up, take it to bed and cuddle it. What I am saying is that the things we can really control, like confidence; shouldn't we be doing more to overcome these irrational fears?

Easy said, easy done. Does it start with a new you? Do clothes, hair and a tan really maketh the man? I don't know. Does practicing it in your head really make you better in bed? Who knows. What I do know is that if we don't even try we're still blaming the cause. And when has blame ever gotten us anywhere?

Let's take steps. Little ones. Bigger ones. Little ones again. But let's take them. Let's take them to Paris, Mexico, Spain, or our backyard. Let's use the steps to sing even if someone hates it, to dance alone and look stupid, to say things that aren't said and to do things that aren't done. And let's get it done already.

I'm Deakin it.

I am about to start Uni at the start of March.
Am I excited? Yes.
Am I also shitting myself? Most definitely.

Now I have to get back into the mode of studying again. And I really haven't written an essay since high school. So good luck with that Beckee. But I believe this is it for me. This is the start of my journey to Psychology and helping people help themselves.

I have found over the years that people have come to me for advice or help with their situations. I really don't know when you look at me, where they get the idea that I would be the right person to talk to. I mean I am almost always nice, and never really tell you what you probably need to hear. Or if I do it's in a way that would almost always never hurt your feelings. That's probably a shock to all the people I have given advice to over the years, but it's not like what I do say doesn't help them in any way. I guess I don't like to tell people what to do. They will always do what they want to regardless. I like to suggest things and give people choice, options. I like to give them ways to help themselves. Because really what has anyone learned from people telling them what to do.

Honestly I don't like to put myself in the situation that where someone has gone to me for advice and they've taken what I have said as gospel and that they should do things that way. I mean these people aren't me; they don't have the same goals or have the same idiosyncrasies. I want them to take the advice and use it in a way that it's more like an idea. They can take pieces from it or whole chunks. But they apply it to their style, their way of thinking. Take it in steps.

As I was saying as I started off this rant, which was originally about going to Uni and back to study, is that I like listening to people. I like understanding about their life. I am fascinated by the way people act and behave. Where people have come from, to make them who they are today. I am fascinated by expressions and emotions. I love hearing their story, because sometimes it can give me a break from mine. A way where I don't have to think about my life for a while. Put myself into some kind of perspective. I mean my life isn't at all bad. I love everything in it: my boyfriend, my pets, my family and my friends.

When I listen to people tell me about their life and problems, it's like reading a book. The richness in the words and in the emotions. The way a person's body moves to convey different expressions. How some people cannot talk at all - they're just a cover. And that's amazing as well. Just the cover. A cover can draw you in - the colours and pictures. I mean the eyes can almost tell you everything. The fiddling with their fingers. I can almost see the itching inside of them, begging them to give in and say something. I love watching the stubbornness take over. I love watching the struggle as you know they want to talk to you. It's like having a cover over flowing with colour and pictures that it almost clashes and you might not want to pick it up off the shelf. But it makes a itch you know you'll scratch eventually.

What I am trying to say is I am so god dam excited about going to Uni, going to learn how I can scratch the itch. Yet I am so dam scared that if I do, if I scratch the itch, will it satisfy in only scratching one itch or will it create more until you have lots of little bumps all over your skin, and you're afraid if you keep scratching you'll only bleed.