tears AND words

I have been searching, searching for something deep inside myself. There's a place in me I can't seem to reach. A longing, if you will. Longing for...something, for anything.

I don't know if the tears help. Do they? Do they help?

There's a longing in my bones, they write like a transcript. I can't make out the symbols.

I don't know if the words help. Do they? Do they help?

My fingers aren't long enough; they can't reach what I want. No! What I need. They are too short. Too short. Why aren't they long enough?

Images swirl around, around, around. They blur and make no sense. I cry, but the tears don't help. I talk, but the words don't help. They never help.

Your eyes don't help.

Your arms don't help.

You don't know. You'll never know. Will I ever know?

Why do I break like I do? The fragility. Shattered glass, shattered bone. Just snaps.

Like a floodgate, the tears come, the words come. But do they help? Do they?

Long Time No Blogging.

2011 was an interesting year. A mixture of anger, pity, guilt, love, passion, sadness, understanding and revelation. There's probably more emotions under the rainbow, but for now those were the main ones. Many of you will think, was I the one who caused that emotion. Don't read into this blog, it's not a blame letter. I've probably experienced these emotions for a many of reasons. True, there have been times last year when someone may have caused me to react in a certain way, but I am past it. 2011 is gone and, even though not entirely forgotten, a bit of understanding and non-caring has made the rest of the year a little less stressful.

2012 has started out relatively great. I feel a lot calmer this year. A lot more motivated. I have been surprised and a little shocked already in the first couple of weeks. It's amazing what being in hospital will bring out in other people, as well as yourself. You see sides of people, you never thought you'd see again. Being in hospital made me scared, a lot more than I have a been in while. It may have be a relatively small procedure, but it messes with your senses. I was scared. And glad that it wasnt anymore serious than it was.

I am so grateful for all the support and caring I received when I was in hospital. It's shocking for me to know someone cares about me as much as they do. I don't know why I feel that way. Could be that I feel I don't deserve it. That's probably the main reason for my whacked out emotions. I am so thankful. People show the best of them when you're in trouble, and you realise who's truly there for you in those times.

Anyway, I am off. Have a good night. Ciao!