Red Carpet Theme

I think the prepartions for my birthday party are finally on their way. We got the marquee, carpet and my dress coming. Quotes for the tables and chairs, backdrop and ropes. Ideas on photography. I am so psyched. I feel like I sort of stuck at this moment in my life so it feels good to have something to get psyched about. That and Uni of course.

I believe the night is going to be awesome. And I thank, thank, thank so much for my wonderful boyfriend who is organising everything. It will be so good to be surrounded with family and friends and to dance and drink and have a good ol' party. I hope beyond hope that Kerri is able to come down, but if she can't I know she'll be there in spirit having a cocktail with me, and still trying to get Dawn drunk.

Nick and I are planning to have my parents and his meet before my party, just because mostly everyone will probably get drunk and not give their best impressions. But other than that I hope to get boogie on for the night. And cannot wait until we get everything for the night and know that no matter who or who doesnt show, I am going to have the best birthday party ever.

Thank, thank, thank-you, Nick. Love you so very much.

My dress for the night. Cannot wait!!

Chalk and Maturity

I went to an interview today that turned out to be a really good interview. I don't know whether that means I got the job or not, but I was pleasantly satisfied with it. I almost didn't make it, considering I only just read the email two hours after my initial interview time. But I saved it by calling to reschedule. Not so much a different day to others, but more I-felt-better day, I guess.

I've realised that I cannot wait to start Uni in March. I have an information day next week. And I am super thrilled about the prospect of getting books and possibly a desk for studying. I miss studying and having assignments and deadlines. It's amazing to have a routine again and to be passionate about something again. It is also awesome to get out of the house too.

I miss the drive of going to Tafe or Uni etc. Meeting new people and the school-like atmosphere. There's such knowledge that surrounds you when you walk onto a campus. So many brains all cuddled up in towering buildings and sitting in non air-conditioned classrooms. I love listening to people's opinions on subjects and the interaction. Man, am I super excited.

The thought of studying brings me back to high school. The smell of chalk, the sticky gum under tables. The bell. The lockers. The familiar faces of classmates and friends. The only thing I don't miss is the uniform, it's too conservative. And not having a uniform at uni is displaying that sense of independence and maturity.

I don't think anything can compare to knowledge and being learned. I do not care whether people think I study too much. You can never study too much, you can never know enough. I love learning, I love knowing. I love knowing there is always something I can learn.
And that will never change...

Cuddling the Huntsman

There's too much to say and then not enough. You wanna write, you don't wanna write. You wanna sing until someone tells you off, which is usually in the beginning. You wanna dance but with no-one. You wanna dance alone and not look stupid. But can you? Can you be that person that doesn't care? Do I wanna be that person?

Can you really understand how to be confident? Is it something you just learn? I wanna learn how to not back down, how to say how I really feel. I think a really confident person doesn't care about other people. I mean that's the only way you can do what you want to do. Say things that aren't said. Do things that aren't done. Society has made us scared. Scared of hurting someone's feelings, of singing in public, of getting into a fight. I back down, I know that. I am a people pleaser, I also know that. I don't know how not to be. I also know the cause.

The cause is always the blame for our failure. We don't blame ourselves, we blame the cause. But in the end, the reasons why we cannot overcome our fears is that we don't really want to. I'm not saying that we go right up to that fat, hairy huntsman, pick it up, take it to bed and cuddle it. What I am saying is that the things we can really control, like confidence; shouldn't we be doing more to overcome these irrational fears?

Easy said, easy done. Does it start with a new you? Do clothes, hair and a tan really maketh the man? I don't know. Does practicing it in your head really make you better in bed? Who knows. What I do know is that if we don't even try we're still blaming the cause. And when has blame ever gotten us anywhere?

Let's take steps. Little ones. Bigger ones. Little ones again. But let's take them. Let's take them to Paris, Mexico, Spain, or our backyard. Let's use the steps to sing even if someone hates it, to dance alone and look stupid, to say things that aren't said and to do things that aren't done. And let's get it done already.

I'm Deakin it.

I am about to start Uni at the start of March.
Am I excited? Yes.
Am I also shitting myself? Most definitely.

Now I have to get back into the mode of studying again. And I really haven't written an essay since high school. So good luck with that Beckee. But I believe this is it for me. This is the start of my journey to Psychology and helping people help themselves.

I have found over the years that people have come to me for advice or help with their situations. I really don't know when you look at me, where they get the idea that I would be the right person to talk to. I mean I am almost always nice, and never really tell you what you probably need to hear. Or if I do it's in a way that would almost always never hurt your feelings. That's probably a shock to all the people I have given advice to over the years, but it's not like what I do say doesn't help them in any way. I guess I don't like to tell people what to do. They will always do what they want to regardless. I like to suggest things and give people choice, options. I like to give them ways to help themselves. Because really what has anyone learned from people telling them what to do.

Honestly I don't like to put myself in the situation that where someone has gone to me for advice and they've taken what I have said as gospel and that they should do things that way. I mean these people aren't me; they don't have the same goals or have the same idiosyncrasies. I want them to take the advice and use it in a way that it's more like an idea. They can take pieces from it or whole chunks. But they apply it to their style, their way of thinking. Take it in steps.

As I was saying as I started off this rant, which was originally about going to Uni and back to study, is that I like listening to people. I like understanding about their life. I am fascinated by the way people act and behave. Where people have come from, to make them who they are today. I am fascinated by expressions and emotions. I love hearing their story, because sometimes it can give me a break from mine. A way where I don't have to think about my life for a while. Put myself into some kind of perspective. I mean my life isn't at all bad. I love everything in it: my boyfriend, my pets, my family and my friends.

When I listen to people tell me about their life and problems, it's like reading a book. The richness in the words and in the emotions. The way a person's body moves to convey different expressions. How some people cannot talk at all - they're just a cover. And that's amazing as well. Just the cover. A cover can draw you in - the colours and pictures. I mean the eyes can almost tell you everything. The fiddling with their fingers. I can almost see the itching inside of them, begging them to give in and say something. I love watching the stubbornness take over. I love watching the struggle as you know they want to talk to you. It's like having a cover over flowing with colour and pictures that it almost clashes and you might not want to pick it up off the shelf. But it makes a itch you know you'll scratch eventually.

What I am trying to say is I am so god dam excited about going to Uni, going to learn how I can scratch the itch. Yet I am so dam scared that if I do, if I scratch the itch, will it satisfy in only scratching one itch or will it create more until you have lots of little bumps all over your skin, and you're afraid if you keep scratching you'll only bleed.

Otter Paddle.

The 20th of November: Hamlet's first day at the beach.



It was 24 degrees and Nick, Hamlet and I headed to the Dog beach in Brighton. Hamlet was overwhelmed by all the new experiences, smells and placement. We took him a on the walk to the sand he was bombarded by all the people and dogs that passed on the way. When we got there, he was a little skeptical, slinking back whenever he got the chance. By within half an hour, he managed to slut his way onto many laps and into counted teenage girls arms. As well joining in the chase of dogs around the beach. His poor little legs didn't get him too far in the race, but he did the absolute best he could.



Eventually we got him into the water. And he didn't like it. And all he get was his paws wet. Soon we managed to get him to swim. He looked like an otter through the water, he was so small and when got out he looked like a drowned rat. Poor thing, he looks nothing like a dog when he's wet. And so managing to venture to the first lap he saw for comfort. Haha.





It was time to leave, we had all the 'he's gorgeous, how is old he? 'and 'what type of dog is he?' we could handle. We headed back home. Fish and chips for dinner as stereotyped. It was a long and relaxing day. We loved it!

A Long Time Forgotten

I have realised that I haven't written in a while and figured I would give it my best to write again.
I am finding the world is full of unexpected surprises. There's feelings you develop and thoughts you process that you realise you haven't discovered before. I guess that's a part of growing up in a sense. I am sometimes frightened of how things can suddenly jump out at you and how you feel you've ran into a giant reality-bricked wall. There's a lot I am slowly trying to understand. And a lot I am learning to be mature about. Life is like a carousel. It goes round and round until you get dizzy and want to get off and try something new. And it's okay to do so, it's alright to try new prospects and experience things that are at some points increasingly challenging.

What I am getting at is that as I grow older, I decide I want more things. Nothing materialistic, that's never been a characteristic of mine. It's mostly emotional. Like discovering a side of you that you didn't know exsisted and never thought could ever surface. I am finding the mirror reflects different faces everytime I glance into it; it shows a different me - a more attractive, intelligent, exciting personality. An individual that's not so afraid anymore.

There's also new additions to my life. Both unexpected and joyful. For instance, my four boys: Nick, Zepplin, Hamlet & Diego. All of which overwhelm me. I am finding nothing fulfils me more than the experiences I have with them. They're my family.

I guess I am having some sort of revelation, an epiphany of you will. I am realising that there are things I want in life. And that is something that has eluded me for quite some time. I am not trapped in a bubble anymore. I know what I want to be and who I want to be with and where I want to go. I have made a decision; for once in my life, I am certain.

Strawberries in Wine & Chocolate

My Birthday.

It all started, waking up in the morning and realising Dawn and Chris were still in bed, when they said they were leaving before I even wake up. I walked in and am about to wake up Dawn when Chris looked at me and smiled. I asked him, ' I thought you were suppose be gone before I got up?' He asked, 'What time is it?' 'Twenty past seven.' 'Shit! Dawn, your alarm didn't go off.'

It gave me a chance to say goodbye to them this morning seeing as I wasnt going to see them before they go to New Zealand. Dawn gave me a big hug and wished me happy birthday and said, 'My alarm did go off, but I think I turned it off and went back to sleep :p' Haha.

From there I went to class where I was greeted with many birthday wishes from my friends. We had a small party for the end of class and my birthday with some fabulous cheesecake made by my teacher Chris. After that I met Nick at Oakleigh station and we headed into the city for the night.

Park Hyatt Hotel

We checked into the Park Hyatt. Such a big and beautiful hotel. We got our key and Nick managed to direct us to the wrong elevator, typical :) The room was magnificent, the view was interesting. You saw the little gardens behind the pool.

King Size Bed

The bedroom/bed was ginormous. It practically swallowed me whole. The doona was filled with feathers and the mattress was so soft; I could've stayed there all night.

Bathroom, including spa bath.

The bathroom looked like it was sparkling with diamonds, that's how bright it was. The bath was even better and later that night, Nick brought out candles and lit them around the bath itself and we had strawberries dipped in chocolate and wine while we relaxed in the bubbles. I felt all my stress release from my body and was content staying there for an hour or so.

From left: Bob Gaudio, Tommy DeVito, Nick Massi & Frankie Valli

Before the bath though, we went and saw Jersey Boys. We sat six rows from the front. It was fantastic! And with Nick sitting there in his suit, he could've almost joined them; it would have been funny seeing him try to sing that high. The music and dancing were incredible and I just loved it!

The whole night was amazing. Nick took me on the ferris wheel that lived near the MCG. You could see the whole city from up there. The south bank shimmered in the lights from the Casino and Arts Centre. The breeze was on my face and Nick was yelling everytime we got to the top. It was the best surprise! It was just the two of us going round and round. The whole night was something I could only dream about.

Waking up was very hard indeed. I really didnt want to leave. Shower and dressed and away we went. Then a couple of minutes wait for the person who brings up the cars to bring up Nick's. Then the hotel was just a distant memory before it became a tiny speck in the background. It was a night I would never forget and the best birthday ever! Thank-you, Nick. xx